The Moment That Changed It All

The beginning of 2015 I spiralled into a dark depression. I couldn’t even go a whole day without ugly crying for a solid 10-15mins. My heart was broken into a million pieces and I could feel everything so intensely. (for more on my story click here )

I hated the shell of a person I had become and didn’t know who I was anymore, leaving me feeling like I was in a state of constant limbo. Uncertain about the future, and not knowing what to do next.

The moment that changed it all was when I made the choice to ask for help. I booked a session with a healer, and during our chat she said she saw a strong visual of me holding a rope playing tug of war and I thought, “Okay that sounds fairly normal?” until she told me She saw me standing at both ends of the rope.

The significance of this for me caused my mouth to dropped open and instantly I started crying. I finally got the clarity and understanding around why I was feeling the way I felt, I was fighting myself, I was in a consent emotional game of tug of war.

The push and pull.

Too stubborn to let go.

The pure hatred for the women on the other end.

Debilitating self talk.

“You failed as a women”

“You’ll never have a baby”

“It’s your bodies fault”

“You’re broken”

"un-worthy"

I could cry as I write this because I can still feel how those words felt.

She continued on to tell me the following, “You need to forgive yourself” and I thought how do I even begin to do that? That thought may sound simple but was beyond hard for me to even digest.

I took a deep breath, sat with this idea for an hour or so and made the choice to be done with feeling this way, I wanted my light back, and got to work.

Here is.

I found a quiet moment, took deep breaths, and put myself back into the visual of me at tug of war with myself. I visualized me stopping, dropping the rope, looking directly at myself at the other end and said.

“I’m sorry, It wasn't your fault. You are loved, it's safe to start to love yourself again. You are supported and Its okay, you can let go now. You can move on.” Saying these words was the hardest thing I have ever done. But when I did, the version of me at the other end stopped, took what felt like a deep sigh of relief and disappeared. It was like she was finally at rest and I could now be at peace.

I cried for 3 hours straight after doing this, I was releasing everything and felt like the brick house on my shoulders was starting to lift. I knew I had a long road ahead of me but It was an incredible feeling to start to get a glimpse of myself coming back to life. I knew I had a lot of self work to do. I needed to re learn how to love myself again, to find my self worth, what did I believe in now, who was I in this new body and mind (I definitely wasn’t the same woman I was before all of this)

I dove deep into using natural tools to support my health, I needed to clean my body and mind of all the toxins it was riddled with after going through 2 Miscarriages, Chemotherapy, 4 surgeries and a dark depression.

• Doterra Essential Oils became my best friend, they helped me to detox my body, mind and house!

• I got help from a therapist, so I could put tools in place to support my mental health properly

• I started moving my body, and doing only the things that brought me joy.

• When I would start to doubt myself or start feeling low, I would take a moment to listen to that little negative inner voice and tell myself: "This is not my true voice!" Then I would challenge it and taught myself to just plain ignore it.

• I would journal daily - Every morning I would take 5 minutes and write down everything I was grateful for and everything I loved about myself.

• I documented my journey so on the hard days I could go back and read what I once was like and see how far I have come.

• I wrote belief statements on post-it notes and put them all over my house.

I could go on and on. It took a lot of work for me to get to this point, but friends, it's a choice. Most of the time we can choose how we want to feel in our bodies, our mind and in our life, (I get this isn't the case for some) but we have to listen, do the things that are terrifying and may feel incredibly hard in order to heal ourselves.

No one can do it for you, you can go to all the therapist, take all the medications, and hide under the covers if you'd like, but its not going to "fix" anything if you aren't willing to do the the work you're being called to do to find your way back to health.

Know this! I believe in you, please and you are never alone.

I now work with woman everyday from all walks of life, each with a different story and each so unique, powerful and amazing. I feel blessed to be able to teach other woman how to restore their belief in themselves, and how to create their own health toolbox to pull from when they need it most.

I'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes